One-Tequila, Two-Tequila,
Three-Tequila, Floor.

The longest sentence known to man is "I do."

The 2 Rules for Success:
Never tell all you know.

DYSLEXICS UNTIE!

Will litigate for food.

The speed of time is
one second per second.

When you come to the
fork in the road, take it.

A night is like a day
without sunshine.

I still miss my ex-husband,
but my aim will improve.

If we weren't meant to eat animals,
how come they're made out of meat?

Oxymoron #236: SELF-HELP GROUP

It's not that I'm afraid to die.
I just don't want to be there when it happens.

Everyone is entitled
to my opinion.

I'd rather have a bottle in front of me
than a frontal lobotomy.

Never underestimate the power
of stupid people in large groups.

NEVER BELIEVE GENERALISATIONS.

Why do psychics have to ask your name?

If a man speaks in the forest and there's
no woman there to hear him, is he still wrong?

I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.

Remember: half the people you know are below average
.
Despite the high cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains?

Nothing is foolproof to a talented fool.

He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.

The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

Two wrongs are only the beginning.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

Plan to be spontaneous – tomorrow.

Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.

If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving isn't for you.

99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

Indecision is the key to flexibility.

If you find something you like, buy a lifetime supply, because they will stop making it.

All things being equal, fat people use more soap.

There is no substitute for genuine lack of preparation.

By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

Happiness is merely the remission of pain.

Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

Sometimes too much drink is not enough.

The facts, although interesting, are generally irrelevant.

The other line always moves faster ... until you get in it.

Anything worth fighting for is worth fighting dirty for.

Friends may come and go but enemies accumulate.

It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything good.

I have seen the truth and it makes no sense.

To live forever, acquire a chronic disease and take care of it.

Suicide is the most sincere form of self-criticism.

If you think that there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.

If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

One seventh of your life is spent on Monday.

The more you run over a dead cat, the flatter it gets.

Do unto others.
 

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