JOKES
(collected from various sources)
THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN
A woman and a man are involved in a car accident.
It's a bad one. Both
of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly
neither of them are
hurt. After they crawl out of their cars,
the woman says, So you're a
man, that's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow,
just look at our cars!
There's nothing left but fortunately we are unhurt.
This must be a sign
from God that we should meet and be friends and
live together in peace
for the rest of our days.
The man replies, I agree with you completely. This
must be a sign from God!
The woman continues, And look at this, here's
another miracle....
My car is completely demolished but this bottle
of wine didn't break.
Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate
our good fortune.
Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man shakes
his head in agreement,
opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands
it back to the woman.
The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the
cap back on, and hands it back
to the man. The man asks, Aren't you having any?
The woman replies, No. I think
I'll just wait for the police...
KERMIT AT THE BANK
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller.
He can see from her
nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.
So he says,"Ms Whack, I'd
like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a long
vacation."
Patti looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how
much he wants to
borrow. The frog says $30,000. The teller asks
his name and the frog
says that his name is Kermit Jagger and that it's
OK, he knows the bank
manager.
Patti explains that $30,000 is a substantial amount
of money and that he
will need to secure some collateral against the
loan. She asks if he has
anything he can use as collateral.
The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces
a tiny pink porcelain
elephant, about half an inch tall. Bright pink
and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patti explains that she'll have
to consult with the
manager and disappears into a back office. She
finds the manager and
says: "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out
there who claims to know
you and wants to borrow $30,000. And he wants
to use this as
collateral."
She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what the heck is this?"
The bank manager looks back at her and says:
"It's a knick knack, Patti Whack. Give the frog
a loan. His old man's a
Rolling Stone."
(from Sheradon Bryce)
I'm Lost
An American and his wife were driving in Canada and got lost.
Finally they came into some city. They saw a gentleman on
the sidewalk, so the gentleman pulled up to the curb, and the
lady let down her window and asked: "Excuse me, sir. Where
are we?"
The gentleman on the street replied, "Saskatoon, Saskatchewan."
The lady rolled up the window, turned to her husband and said,
"We really are lost. They don't even speak English here!"
CREATIVE WRITING 101
A university creative writing class was asked to write a concise
essay containing the following elements:
1. Religion
2. Royalty
3. Sex
4. Mystery
The prize-winning one-line essay read:
"My God," said the Queen, "I'm pregnant. I wonder who did it!"
(from Adriana Yamane)
But this contribution from Arlene Rees of British Columbia comes a close second:
"Holy shit" said Cinderella. "It's after midnight and I'm fucked if
the
Prince discovers who I am ..."
ASIAN JOKES
An Asian man walked into the currency exchange in New York with
2000 yen and walked out with $72.
The following week he walked in with 2000 yen and was handed $66.
He asked the teller why he got less money than he received the
previous week.
The lady answers, "Fluctuations".
The Asian man stormed out and, just before slamming the door,
he turned around and said, "Fluc you Amelicans too!"
*********
A San Francisco Chinaman tried to called his business partner in L.A.
late
one night but dialed the wrong number.
Chinaman: Hello, I am Fook King here
Other man: So am I. Why the heck don't you call later!
(contributed by Ron Looi)
POWERS OF OBSERVATION
An autopsy professor was giving an introductory lecture to a
class of students. Standing over a corpse, he addressed the
class. "There are two things you need to make a career in medical
forensics. First, you must have no fear." Having said that, he
shoved his finger up the corpse's anus and licked it. "Now you
must do the same," he told the class.
After a couple of minutes of uneasy silence, the class did as
instructed.
"Second," the professor continued, "you must have an acute sense
of observation. For instance, how many of you noticed that I put
my middle finger up this man's anus, but licked my index finger?"
(from Arlene Rees)
A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting in front of them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:
"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."
"You foul-mouthed swine, " retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'."
(from Fairas)
THE GREAT DEBATE
Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to leave Italy. There was, of course, a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He would have a religious debate with a leader of the Jewish community. If the Jewish leader won the debate, the Jews would be permitted to stay in Italy. If the Pope won, the Jews would have to leave.
The Jewish community met and picked an aged Rabbi, Moishe, to represent them in the debate. Rabbi Moishe, however, could not speak Latin and the Pope could not speak Yiddish. So it was decided that this would be a "silent" debate.
On the day of the great debate, the Pope and Rabbi Moishe sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Rabbi Moishe looked back and raised one finger. Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head. Rabbi Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope then brought out a communion wafer and chalice of wine. Rabbi Moishe pulled out an apple. With that, the Pope stood up and said, "I concede the debate. This man has bested me. The Jews can stay."
Later, the Cardinals gathered around the Pope, asking him what had happened. The Pope said, "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there was still one God common to both our religions. Then I waved my finger around me to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and the wafer to show that God absolves us of our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of original sin. He had an answer for everything. What could I do?"
Meanwhile, the Jewish community crowded around Rabbi Moishe, asking what happened. "Well," said Moishe, "first he said to me, 'You Jews have three days to get out of here.' So I said to him, 'Up yours'. Then he tells me the whole city would be cleared of Jews. So I said to him, 'Listen here Mr. Pope, the Jews ... we stay right here!"
"And then?" asked a woman.
"Who knows?" said Rabbi
Moishe. "We broke for lunch."
(from Grace Chin)
When An Insect Falls Into A Mug Of Beer...
Englishman - Throws his mug away and walks out.
Scotsman - Takes the insect out and drinks the beer.
American - Threatens to sue the pub.
Gets an extra beer on the house.
Then he takes the insect out and drinks both beers. Later he
writes a bestselling book: "Who Says There Ain't No Such Thing
As A Free Beer?")
Singaporean - Observes the American and apes him.
Italian -
Calls the waiter over and knees him in the groin. The worried manager
agrees to serve him 5 free beers a day if he will just drink them peacefully
and stop molesting the barmaid.
Chinese - Eats the insect and throws the beer away.
Indian -
Sells beer to the American and insect to the Chinese and gets
a new mug of beer.
Pakistani - Accuses the Indian
of throwing an insect into his beer. Relates
the issue to Kashmir. Asks the Chinese for military aid. Takes a loan
from the American to buy one more mug of beer.
Malay -
Considers himself under arrest and meekly follows the insect back
to the Religious Affairs Department where he pays a hefty fine
for consuming the forbidden Al-Kohol.
(modified by Antares)
The Punishment
Three guys were on a trip to Saudi Arabia.
One day, they stumbled into a
harem tent filled with over 100 beautiful
women. They started getting
friendly with all the women, when suddenly
the sheik came in.
"I am the master of all these women. No
one else can touch them except me.
You three men must pay for what you have
done today. You will be punished
in a way corresponding to your profession."
The sheik turned to the first man and asked him what he did for a living.
"I'm a cop," said the first man.
"Then we will shoot your penis off!" said
the sheik. He then turned to the
second man and asked him what he did for
a living.
"I'm a firemen," said the second man.
"Then we will burn your penis off!" said
the sheik. Finally, he asked the
last man, "And you, what do you do for
a living?"
The third man answered, with a sly grin, "I'm a lollipop salesman!"
COMPUTER-URINALYSIS
One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor."
"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer at the drugstore at the corner. Just give it a urine sample and the computer'll tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars...a hell of a lot cheaper than a doctor."
So Jack deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to the drugstore. He inserts ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.
That evening while thinking how amazing this
new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled.
He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from
his wife and daughter, and masturbated into
the mixture for good measure. Jack hurries
back to the drugstore, eager to check
the results. He inserts ten dollars, pours
in his concoction, and awaits the results.
The computer prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water
softener.
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal
shampoo.
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get
her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant ... twin girls. They
aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself,
your elbow will never get better.
(from Antara)
A gangster is holding his 8 month old baby while his wife is in the kitchen fixing lunch. The baby murmurs, "mother." The guy gets all excited and hollers to his wife: "Hey, the baby just said half a word!"
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At a rape trial the young victim was asked by the D.A. what the defendant said before the alleged assault. Too embarrassed to answer aloud, the victim asked if she could write out the answer.
After reading the note, the judge instructed the jury foreman to read it and pass it among the rest of the jurors.
One juror, who had dozed off, was nudged by the woman juror sitting next to him.
He took the note from her and read, "I'm going to fuck you like you've never been fucked before."
The juror smiled at the woman and slipped the note in his pocket.
"Will juror number 12 please pass the note to me!" ordered the judge.
"I can't, Your Honor," the juror answered. "It's personal."
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Tom is applying for a job as a signalman for the local railroad and is told to meet the inspector at the signal box. The inspector decides to give Tom a pop quiz, asking: "What would you do if you realized that two trains were heading towards each other on the same track?"
Tom says: "I would switch one train to another track."
"What if the lever broke?" asks the inspector.
"Then I'd run down to the tracks and use the manual lever down there", answers Tom.
"What if that had been struck by lightning?" challenges the inspector.
"Then," Tom continued, "I'd run back up here and use the phone to call the next signal box."
"What if the phone was busy?"
"In that case," Tom argued, "I'd run to the street level and use the public phone near the station."
"What if that had been vandalized?"
"Oh well," said Tom, "in that case I would run into town and get my Uncle Leo."
This puzzled the inspector, so he asked, "Why would you do that?"
"Because he's never seen a train crash."
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A teacher cautiously approaches the subject of sex education with her fourth grade class because she realizes Little Johnny's propensity for sexual innuendo. But Johnny remains attentive throughout the entire lecture. Finally, towards the end of the lesson, the teacher asks for examples of sex education from the class. One little boy raises his hand, "I saw a bird in her nest with some eggs." "Very good, William," said the teacher.
"My mommy had a baby," said little Esther. "Oh, that's nice," replied the teacher.
Finally, little Johnny
raises his hand. With much fear and trepidation, the teacher calls
on him. "I was watching' TV yesterday, and I saw the Lone Ranger.
He was surrounded by hundreds and hundreds
of Indians. And
they all attacked at one time. And he killed every one of them with his
two guns."
The teacher was relieved but puzzled, "And what does that have to do with sex education, Johnny?" "It'll teach those Indians not to fuck with the Lone Ranger."
Sherlock Holmes and Mr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine they lay down in their tent for the night and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend awake. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?" Holmes questioned.
Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe Saturn is in Leo. Logically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all-powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow."
"Is that all?" Holmes asked.
"Yes," Watson replied, "Why, am I missing something?"
Holmes was quiet for a moment, then spoke:
"Watson, you dickhead. Someone has stolen the fucking tent."
[contributed by Denis Hewett]