BLONDE GAGS
Two
bowling
teams, one of all Blondes and one of all Brunettes, charter a
double-decker
bus for a weekend bowling tournament in Atlantic City.
The
Brunette
team rides in the bottom of the bus. The Blonde team rides on
the
top
level. The Brunette team down below is whooping it up having a great
time,
when one of them realizes she doesn't hear anything from the Blondes
upstairs.
She
decides
to go up and investigate. When the Brunette reaches the top, she
finds
all the Blondes frozen in fear, staring straight-ahead at the road,
and
clutching
the seats in front of them with white knuckles.
She
says,
"What the heck's goin' on up here? We're havin' a grand time
downstairs!"
One of the Blondes from the second team looks up and says,
"Yeah,
but you've got a driver!"
A guy is having a drink in a very dark bar. He leans over to the big woman next to him and says: "Do you want to hear a funny blonde joke?"
The big woman replies: "Well, before you tell me that joke, you should know something. I'm blonde, six feet tall, 210 pounds, and I'm a professional athlete and bodybuilder. Also, the blonde woman sitting next to me is 6'2", weighs 220 pounds and is an ex-professional wrestler. And next to her is a blonde who is 6'5", weighs 245 pounds, and she is a current professional kickboxer. Now, do you still want to tell me that blonde joke?"
The guy thinks about it a second and says: "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it three times."
v
A blonde was hired to paint the yellow stripes on the highway. Her first day she painted 10 miles. The second day she only painted 5. Her boss, seeing how she was getting slower decided to give her a day off, thinking that she needed a rest. When she came back the next day, she only painted .5 miles.
Her now discouraged boss came up to her one day and said, "Excuse me, but why have you been painting less and less each day, even after I gave you a day off?"
"Simple," the blonde answered, "I've been getting farther away from the paint can!
51 days
A bartender is sitting behind the bar on a typical day when the door bursts open and in comes four exuberant blondes. They come up to the bar, order five bottles of champagne and ten glasses, take their order over and sit down at a large table. The corks are popped, the glasses are filled and they begin toasting and chanting: "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"
Soon, three more blondes arrive, take up their drinks and the chanting grows: "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!" Two more blondes show up and soon their voices join in raising the roof: "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"
Finally, the tenth blonde comes in with a picture under her arm. She walks over to the table, sets the picture in the middle and the table erupts. Up jump the others, they begin dancing around the table, exchanging high-fives, all the while chanting, "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"
The bartender can't contain his curiosity any longer, so he walks over to the table. There in the center is a beautiful child's puzzle of the cookie monster. When the frenzy dies down a little bit, the bartender asks one of the blondes, "What's all the chanting and celebration about?"
The blonde who brought in the picture pipes up, "Everyone thinks that blondes are dumb and they make fun of us. So we decided to set the record straight. Ten of us got together, bought that puzzle and put it together. The side of the box said 2 - 4 years, but we put it together in 51 days!"
A ventriloquist is touring the clubs and stops to entertain in a small-town. He's going through his usual run of off-color and "dumb blonde" jokes, when a well presented blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and shouts: "I've heard just about enough of your stupid blonde jokes, you Neanderthal! What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What connection can a person's hair color possibly have with their fundamental worth as a human being?"
"It is morons like you that prevent women like myself from being respected at work and in our communities and from reaching our full potential because you and your anachronistic kind continue to perpetuate negative images against not only blondes, but women in general, for the sake of cheap laughs."
"You are a pathetic relic of the past, and what you do is not only contrary to discrimination laws in every civilized country, it is deeply offensive to people with modern sensibilities and basic respect for their fellow citizens. You should hang your head in shame, you pusillanimous little maggot."
Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the blonde yells, "You stay out of this Mister! I'm talking to that little bastard on your knee!"
v
AT LAST, A REVERSE BLONDE JOKE!
A blonde walks into a bank in New York city and asks for the loan officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.
The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls-Royce parked on the street in front of the bank. Everything checks out, and the bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.
Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"
The blonde replied, "Where else in New York can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41?"