Two bowling teams, one of all Blondes and one of all Brunettes, charter a
double-decker bus for a weekend bowling tournament in Atlantic City.
The Brunette team rides in the bottom of the bus. The Blonde team rides on
the top level. The Brunette team down below is whooping it up having a great time, when one of them realizes she doesn't hear anything from the Blondes upstairs.
She decides to go up and investigate. When the Brunette reaches the top, she
finds all the Blondes frozen in fear, staring straight-ahead at the road,
and clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles.
She says, "What the heck's goin' on up here? We're havin' a grand time
downstairs!" One of the Blondes from the second team looks up and says,
"Yeah, but you've got a driver!"
A guy is having a drink in a very dark bar. He leans over to the big woman next to him and says: "Do you want to hear a funny blonde joke?"
The big woman replies: "Well, before you tell me that joke, you should know something. I'm blonde, six feet tall, 210 pounds, and I'm a professional athlete and bodybuilder. Also, the blonde woman sitting next to me is 6'2", weighs 220 pounds and is an ex-professional wrestler. And next to her is a blonde who is 6'5", weighs 245 pounds, and she is a current professional kickboxer. Now, do you still want to tell me that blonde joke?"
The guy thinks about it a second and says: "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it three times."
A blonde was hired to paint the yellow stripes on the highway. Her first day she painted 10 miles. The second day she only painted 5. Her boss, seeing how she was getting slower decided to give her a day off, thinking that she needed a rest. When she came back the next day, she only painted .5 miles.
Her now discouraged boss came up to her one day and said, "Excuse me, but why have you been painting less and less each day, even after I gave you a day off?"
"Simple," the blonde answered, "I've been getting farther away from the paint can!
A bartender is sitting behind the bar on a typical day when the door bursts open and in comes four exuberant blondes. They come up to the bar, order five bottles of champagne and ten glasses, take their order over and sit down at a large table. The corks are popped, the glasses are filled and they begin toasting and chanting: "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"
Soon, three more blondes arrive, take up their drinks and the chanting grows: "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!" Two more blondes show up and soon their voices join in raising the roof: "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"
Finally, the tenth blonde comes in with a picture under her arm. She walks over to the table, sets the picture in the middle and the table erupts. Up jump the others, they begin dancing around the table, exchanging high-fives, all the while chanting, "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"
The bartender can't contain his curiosity any longer, so he walks over to the table. There in the center is a beautiful child's puzzle of the cookie monster. When the frenzy dies down a little bit, the bartender asks one of the blondes, "What's all the chanting and celebration about?"
The blonde who brought in the picture pipes up, "Everyone thinks that blondes are dumb and they make fun of us. So we decided to set the record straight. Ten of us got together, bought that puzzle and put it together. The side of the box said 2 - 4 years, but we put it together in 51 days!"
A ventriloquist is touring the clubs and stops to entertain in a small-town. He's going through his usual run of off-color and "dumb blonde" jokes, when a well presented blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and shouts: "I've heard just about enough of your stupid blonde jokes, you Neanderthal! What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What connection can a person's hair color possibly have with their fundamental worth as a human being?"
"It is morons like you that prevent women like myself from being respected at work and in our communities and from reaching our full potential because you and your anachronistic kind continue to perpetuate negative images against not only blondes, but women in general, for the sake of cheap laughs."
"You are a pathetic relic of the past, and what you do is not only contrary to discrimination laws in every civilized country, it is deeply offensive to people with modern sensibilities and basic respect for their fellow citizens. You should hang your head in shame, you pusillanimous little maggot."
Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the blonde yells, "You stay out of this Mister! I'm talking to that little bastard on your knee!"
AT LAST, A REVERSE BLONDE JOKE!
A blonde walks into a bank in New York city and asks for the loan officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.
The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls-Royce parked on the street in front of the bank. Everything checks out, and the bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.
Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"
The blonde replied, "Where else in New York can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41?"
[contributed by Pamela Cooper]
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic, "It died."
After he works on it for a few minutes, it's idling smoothly.
She says: "What's the story?"
He replies: "Just crap in the carburetor."
She says, "How often do I have to do that?"
A blonde is overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet. "I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least five pounds." When the blonde returns, she's lost nearly 20 pounds. "Why, that's amazing!" the doctor says. "Did you follow my instructions?" The blonde nods. "I'll tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead by the third day." "From hunger, you mean?" asked the doctor. "No, from all that skipping."
There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo" she shouts, "how can I get to the other side?" The second blonde looks up the river then down the river then shouts back, "You are on the other side."
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULL OVER!" "NO," the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"
BLONDE ON THE SUN
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, "We were the first in space!" The American said, "We were the first on the moon!" The Blonde said, "So what, we're going to be the first on the sun!" The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. "You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian. To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!"
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on "Science & Nature." Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?" She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"
The blonde reported for her university final examination that consists of "yes/no" type questions. She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes her purse out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet "Yes" for Heads and "No" for Tails. Within half an hour she is all done, whereas the rest of the class is sweating it out. During the last few minutes, she is seen desperately throwing the coin, muttering and sweating. The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is going on. "I finished the exam in half an hour, but I'm rechecking my answers."
BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!
There was a blonde woman who was having financial troubles so she decided to kidnap a child and demand a ransom. She went to a local park, grabbed a little boy, took him behind a tree and wrote this note. "I have kidnapped your child. Leave $10,000 in a plain brown bag behind the big oak tree in the park tomorrow at 7 A.M. Signed, The Blonde." She pinned the note inside the little boy's jacket and told him to go straight home. The next morning, she returned to the park to find the $10,000 in a brown bag, behind the big oak tree, just as she had instructed. Inside the bag was the following note ... "Here is your money. I cannot believe that one blonde would do this to another."
The Alligator and the Blonde
A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his
side. He puts the alligator up on the bar. He turns to
the astonished patrons. I'll make you a deal.
I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals
inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one
minute. He'll then open his mouth and I'll remove my
unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this
spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink. " The
Crowd murmured their approval.
The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and
placed his privates in the alligator's open mouth. The
gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a
minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the
alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator
opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals
unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered and the first
of his free drinks were delivered.
The man stood up again and made another offer. "I'll
pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try". A
hush fell over the crowd.
After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar.
A Blond woman timidly spoke up. "I'll try, but don't
hit me so hard on the head with the beer bottle"
A blonde enters a store that sells curtains. She tells the salesman:
"I'd like to buy a pink curtain for my computer screen."
The surprised salesman replies: "But madam, computers don't have curtains!".
And the blonde says: "Helloooo.... I've got Windows!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
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